Against my better judgment, I stayed in on St. Patty’s day. While doing so I thought I’d see what the internet had to offer in regard to the conduct of drunk people. The results were , overall, pretty mediocre, but one was too hysterical to not comment on.
What follows is an articulate article someone wrote that provides eight, in my opinion, inaccurate steps a person should follow when taking care of a drunk person…and my response. Fitting for the day after a drinking holiday, don’t you think?
The original article can be found here.
Enjoy.
1. Recognize someone who has had one too many.
What they say: Signs that a person has drunk too much include slurred speech, inability to remain standing or sitting up straight, a marked desire to lie down or roll over, questionable walking technique, stumbling, unusual, loud, or embarrassing behavior, violent reactions, bloodshot eyes, feeling extreme temperature differences, etc.
Their actual graphic
What I say: Signs that a person has drank too much include bleeding from the ears, puking on someone in the bar, telling your parents “You are both Satan incarnate”, saying to the officer “why don’t YOU step out of your fucking car”, and exhibiting any mannerisms associated with Gary Busey.
My graphic
2. The amount of care your drunk friend or acquaintance will need will depend on how much he or she has had to drink.
What they say: Each individual’s situation will need to be evaluated according to context and circumstances, but the main point is to be prepared to care for them until they’re out of danger.
What I say: Listen, the first person you need to worry about is yourself. After that, the goal is not getting road mapped. Don’t get me wrong, if you go out with your crew you gotta act like marines: don’t leave anyone behind. But if your friend is being a prick and insists on going home with a grenade, leave him. His horror in the morning is enough of a disincentive to ignore you next time. Unless your friend is walking around with their privates out, you let them deal with the repercussions of their stupidity. It’s their life.
3. Step in to discourage further drinking.
What they say:
(A) Try distracting the intoxicated person from having any more alcohol. Get them away from the alcohol – take them to the front yard for a breath of fresh air, suggest that it’s time to call it a night and phone a taxi, or simply sit with them away from the drinking area and talk. Find somewhere quiet and not too bright.
(B) If they want drinks, take responsibility for delivering drinks that won’t harm them. Try water, or try very watered down versions of their drink. Often you can get away with giving someone who is very drunk soft drinks; simply hand them a coke and claim that it contains vodka. Chances are they won’t even notice.
(C) Avoid saying anything that could provoke or anger the intoxicated person. Remain calm and reassuring at all times.
What I say:
(A) I kind of agree. You don’t want her to pass out. Get the hot chick away from the alcohol–take her out to the front yard so her friends can’t talk her out of going home with you or, if you are at home, simply sit with her in your room with the Howie Day album playing in the background. Definitely find somewhere quiet and not too bright, so she’ll think you look like Christian Bale.
(B) Am I a fucking waiter? If they want drinks, tell them to stop being needy and get it themselves. If I were drunk and someone handed me a glass of coke and told me it had vodka in it, I would (1) say “What the hell kind of drink is Vodka and coke?” and (2) I would throw the drink on them for questioning my tolerance. This isn’t an AA meeting, this is the weekend.
(C) If someone’s being a prick, you gotta tell them what’s up. If it’s a girl, you politely inform them that they are being “a huge bitch right now and that their hair looks like a sparrow’s nest.” If it’s a dude, punch him in the face. That’ll sober him up.
4. Do your best to help the intoxicated person to avoid physical injury, especially through falling.
What they say: Help the person to a safe seat or to the floor. If the intoxicated person begins to heave, try to help them to an appropriate place to vomit. If they are lying on a couch, ensure that they are facing AWAY from the back of the couch so that any vomit does not pool around the person’s face (especially on leather couches).
- This was the actual picture and caption they used
What I say: Definitely a good idea to put a person in a safe place. However, if you don’t know them and it’s your house, you have permission to “tuxedo” them. Also, if you have a leather couch, drag their drunk ass into the bathtub. Leather is almost impossible to clean once it is stained.
5. Do not leave someone who is very drunk to fall asleep alone.
What they say: Stay in the room with them – watch a film or TV, read a book, or clean up after the party but keep them in the room with you.
What I say: Make the person promise that they won’t puke. Then, no matter how passed out they are, explain to them that you have put a bucket next to their bed. If possible, force them to swallow two Advil and place a large glass of water next to their bed. You did your part. Go to sleep. You’re wasted too, remember?
6. Check regularly to ensure the intoxicated person responds to being stirred.
What they say: Say their name loudly, ask them firmly to open their eyes, prod them and look for a response. Watch the chest or abdomen for breathing movements. A rate of 12- 20 breaths per minute is normal.
Again, the actual image they used. He looks deathly drunk if you ask me.
What I say: If the drunkard is not up by noon the next day, be a sport and check on them. Wake them up and offer to drive them to IHOP. It was an epic night.
Tom?
If, however, they’re dead, you may want to put a roommate listing on Craigslist.
Click on image to enlarge
7. Look for signs of alcohol poisoning.
What they say: If breathing becomes slow (8 breaths per minute or less or irregular with 10 seconds or more between each breath), and they are unresponsive to being prodded and pinched firmly, this suggests alcohol poisoning. Other possible signs include:
- Passed out – unconscious or semi-conscious; cannot be awakened
- Blue lips and fingertips
- Dehydrated
- Rapid pulse
- Vomiting while asleep and not waking up even when vomiting
- Cold clammy hands/ feet.
What I say: Did you just drink a half a bottle or more of hard alcohol in under 10 minutes? Did you drink everclear wop/jungle juice all night? Did you drink an entire 30 pack of Natural Ice? If no, go to sleep and we’ll talk about why you peed on your keyboard in the morning. If yes, purge. Believe it or not, your body has limits, idiot.
8. If you spot the above signs, call 911 and remain with the intoxicated person until help arrives:
What they say: Keep them warm and continue to monitor breathing. If a qualified first aider is available, call on them for help while waiting for the ambulance.
What I say: I’m not a complete jackass. If your friend is violently puking, their eyes are rolled back in their head, and you feel helpless, get help. No joke.
However, if you think your friend looks parched and is passed out, let them sleep. Don’t be a scared bitch. If I called 911 every time one of my buddies passed out, my friends would hate me and I would have to notify the post office to deliver my mail to the hospital on weekends. 911 for being passed out? Are you fucking kidding me?
The author(s) then proceeded to dole out a few more final bits of odd advice. I provided a rebuttal to some of the weirder suggestions.
1. The night after the person was really intoxicated, be sure to tell them the danger they put themselves in. Wait until they’re sober and have a heart-to-heart with them about their behavior. You can make it less confrontational by saying something like: “I didn’t much like the friends you brought along the other night, Susie.” Susie will reply: “What friends?” And you can reply: “Your friends. Making Fun of Friends Susie. And I’m Bored Susie. And Undressing Susie. And Rolling on the Ground Susie.” It may seem odd but making the drunk person’s behavior sound like a third person can help them better identify with the types of behaviors other people witnessed.
My Rebuttal: If I were Susie, I’d probably feel a LITTLE patronized, so I’d end up saying something like “You’re just lucky you didn’t see The Spirits in My Head Tell Me to Put Drano in Your OJ Susie. She is the bad one. Those Susie’s that you referenced were just having a good time. It can get MUCH worse. Trust me.” That’s just me talking, though.
2. Don’t put a drunk person into a cold shower. It won’t sober them and it could induce shock.
My Rebuttal: Shock?! You need to lighten up. Besides, imagine how funny it would be when you told Blackout-Drunk Susie she pissed her ENTIRE bed when she came home from the bar. You know she’d believe you. Plus, it’s better punishment than b.s., passive aggressive things like a third-person lecture. Who does that? Have a beer.
3. Never allow someone who is drunk behind the wheel of a car, ever. It’s not only their life but the lives of others too that are at stake.
My Rebuttal: I’ll agree if they intend on OPERATING the car, but imagine the hilarity that would ensue from putting the drunkard behind the wheel of a non-running car just to fuck with them. Consider this, for example:
Hope everyone is doing well after St. Patty’s Day. My entire NCAA bracket is busted. I’ll be going out twice on Saturday, so I’ll be sure to call 911 on myself that night. Be back soon. –Mark
P.S. I searched for “Drunken person sharpee tuxedo” and got this:
I guess he's wearing a suit
The Bucking Hoarse 