Weird Books: Dog Shit

 

If I see a mess of books, I need to look. As was the case for these gems. Sad face.

My reaction: “My God. What should I read? Oh, what a lovely assortment. Let’s see here…I…I think I’ll rub myself with poison ivy and set myself on fire. I mean, who hasn’t curled up to a a good Lewis Perdue lately? W.T.F.?”

Tom Cruise: “You’re glib, Matt Lauer.”

Ah! You vomited all over my curiosity. Why did I even look? Not even a Dan Brown? No, I wouldn’t read it. But at least I’d know that someone, somewhere on this planet had read one of these books.

But, without fail, I need to inspect them…and so do you, reader.

I mean, these and many other libraries are absolutely terrible. These books probably–and I don’t think I’m exaggerating or being remotely mean here–have an average Amazon.com rating of 1.4…and someone bought them. No joke. Someone went to Barnes, carefully considered the plot on the back, and purchased it. And the cashier let them do it…MULTIPLE TIMES!

And they are EVERYWHERE. Just look at anyone’s bookshelf: in Grandma’s house, in a friend’s bathroom, your trunk, Goodwill, a yard sale, Charlie Sheen’s mind–and you’ll find something. Book bliss. Wait, no it’s not. It’s the worst thing since that time you had diarrhea and your high school gave up on reinstalling stall doors. Immature High School Douche: “He poops? What an idiot. Hahahahaha. Look at this guy. Come in here.” (maybe that was just my high school).

Yep. The collection of books you see above is all too prevalent in American homes or, in this case, a Public Defender’s Office. I’m not really sure how they form, but they’re always there: the literary belly button lint, the potty prose, the I-couldn’t-possibly-get-rid-of-this-considering-I-paid-twelve-dollars-for-this-book-and-only-read-the-first-chapter-to-avoid-talking-to-that-woman-with-a-lazy-eye-on-that-flight-to-Toledo compendium.

Get rid of your books, people. Stop taking dumps on my intrigue. In the least, piss off a librarian and donate them (lot of toilet humor, today…even for me).

P.S. Apologies to the following people: C.S. Harris, Van Ness, Richard Russo, Thomas Gifford, Mary Higgens Clark, and Lewis Perdue. I don’t know you. As for Danielle Steel, go fuck yourself.

Got any inglorious collections of your own?

Things Charlie Sheen May Have Said

"I don't need taxis when I have chicks."

“Shia Labouf was good as me.”

“There’s is a Cactus, Home Depot cashier, and a Zebra pygmy–why do they matter? I matter. Not them. I’m killing producer Nazis with my gumbo grenades…and fixing lupus. Yeah, that was bitchin’ when I did that.”

“If you were ear deep in a flaming tequila shot and someone said, “Don’t pour that in your ear, man!” Would you? Yes, you’d pour that fucker in your ear. Dangerous people don’t look at instruction manuals, they put blind folds on.”

“I pretty much humped most of Nova Scotia. Those studies are wrong. No AIDS, there.”

“Oh. Oh. I’m the big reporter lady with her corn-dog microphone. DAD! DAD! CAN I HAVE SOME?!…what a douche.”

“Where does it say…so you’re telling me that Charlie Sheen, me, can’t throw down some dough and come out David Copperfield? Did you know they offered me that part once. To answer your question, yes, I prefer button downs.”

Charlie: “Platoon?! Platoon?! I’ve never heard of ONE person that has seen that shit…not smart ones.”
Reporter: “I asked you if you talk to your kids.”
Charlie: “And I’m the communist?”

“I run A LOT and when I wake up, I’m dreaming. You get it, man? I’m really drifting through a CBS injection and the kids are not staying in the ball pit. No, not a ball pit–those are too dirty. It’s gotta be a pocket. I crawled in their and knitted a blow up doll of me.”

“Don’t record this. Just experience it. Can you taste the interview?”

“Frankly, Rich, if I weren’t on this show, I’d probably be doing naked hand stand jacks…bu they wouldn’t be the normal kind, y’know. They’d be French and I wouldn’t invite that god damn Forest Whittaker over.”

“There are two types of people: The first is a dragon. The other is also a dragon, but it’s bigger. I am both of these people.”

“I’m a time machine. Get inside me and you’ll see yourself. I’m not kidding. I’ve seen myself.”

Know of anything that Charlie may have said?