Everyone Fails Law School #4: Last Ditch Efforts to Find a Job

Given the current plight of the average law student, I think it’s safe to say that one should use any and all methods to get a job.

How bad is it? I mean, if I wasn’t panicked enough about (A) my steadily approaching loan deferral end date and (B) the high liklihood of making less money than I was making before going into to law school–if that wasn’t enough, I have also had these experiences:

1. I am working out at the gym and one of my law school’s career counselor’s enters and gets on the elliptical next to me. While ellipting, I started some creepy small talk (because that’s what I do). We end up talking about writing and she mentioned that her husband USED to be a writer until he found it to be very profitable. I then told her that I had been writing a lot and was thinking about turning it into a career. Her eyes lit up and she said “YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO THAT!” This is from my LAW SCHOOL career counselor. She didn’t try to talk me out of it at all; no “c’mon, that doesn’t seem very practical” or “Very few people make it as writers. My husband didn’t.” Nope. She was all about it because she KNEW that we law students are fucked.

….and if that wasn’t bad enough

2. While working (for free) at the Baltimore City Solicitor’s Office, I was brought into the City Solicitor’s office–the head cheese–for an unprovoked, undesired mentoring session with a guy that resembled Keith David. The meeting may have been helpful, had I not been creeped out by how much he looked like Big Tim from Requiem for a Dream (You know, the guy that tells Jennifer Connelly’s down-and-out character “I know it’s pretty baby, but I didn’t take it out for air”?). Shudder. Anyway, at the end of the meeting he pulls out this huge stack of resume’s and proceeds to mockingly read the names of the top tier schools all these applicants attended. He then cackled and said “These come in every day. It’s a real bad market. I got some people in here that are real qualified, Mark. Some of them have been laid off from some top law firms. I can’t hire a single one. No jobs available.” I’m not sure why he told me all this, but the implied message I received was: “You will never get hired anywhere, even here; pray a lot; and avoid drinking alone in the bathtub.”

Can you please put your pants back on, sir?

Needless to say, the job market is looking bleaker than Jon Gosselin’s chances of hosting Saturday Night Live.

So, if you are having trouble finding a job, here are a few tactics that I suggest as a last ditch resume blasting effort. Give’m a try.

1. Get their attention by including your shabbily Photoshop’d face on top of zoo animals with your cover letter.

Could work

Intimidation. Nice.

2. Offer sexual favors to firm partners on Craigslist

This actually happened (not with me…yet):

Eeeesh

Props to abovethelaw.com for the article.

3. Send emails that might get you disbarred. Who cares about your license if you can’t get a job, right?

Hey, it's rough out there

 

What's worst that could happen?

 

4. Remember that student loans are forgiven upon death

 

Hey, lawyers are the butt of more jokes than Chuck Norris, Charlie Sheen, and Dead Babies combined. I’m sure they’d have a sense of humor about it.

 

That’s all for now. Hope all is well. –Mark

P.S. Found this pic searching for “toaster bathtub”