Dean Fail: Fearmongering

At most law schools, a Dean might send out a congratulatory email to graduating 3Ls–third-year law students. Perhaps he or she will say how he or she’s had the privilege of knowing many graduating 3Ls and how “they seem like a driven crowd,” or some shit like that. Well, then you have the Dean at my school: the wheeler-dealer, law-school flipping, paranoia driven, self-donned God of jurisprudence. No cheery messages from that one.

For those that don’t know this, finals are stressful. Fortunately for me, I had one paper to write and I was done (good planning). Of course, for those 3Ls that are not done, they don’t need any additional things to worry about…like being reminded of The Bar–a test that requires grueling, all-day study marathons for 7-Weeks. Did I mention it starts immediately after graduating from a three year curriculum that made most students, on more than one occasion, want to take a bath with their toaster?

It is with all this said, that I wanted to share with you an email that was sent by the Dean of my law school on the first day of finals. I have provided a sentence by sentence translation for this “heart-warmer.” This guy should really be a mortician.

1. I hope all of your exams are going well and I hope you had the scheduling foresight not to have too many of them.

Translation: I have WAY too much to do to write a two word salutation, like “Hello Class.” Also, if you have any exams and you’re a 3L, you are an idiot. Aren’t you employed yet? Ha, who am I talking to? You went to a third tier law school. Forget what I said.

2. I have sent out an email on bar prep every year that I have been here and it seems to have some kind of positive effect.

Translation: I have sent out emails every year to scare people into studying hard for the Bar. I am the soul reason for anyone passing this test. If you ever failed, it’s because you didn’t read my email. You may want consider praying to my picture.

3. I really only want to emphasize a few points.

Translation: Look at me! Look at me! I’m important. Pay attention. Look at this Panda! LOOK.

4. Unfortunately, if you do prep properly, this will not be your most pleasant summer ever.

Translation: Have you ever raised a loaded gun to your temple? I do it every day in lieu of drinking coffee. As for you, I wouldn’t recommend leaving and loaded weapons, long pieces of rope, or excess amounts of Ambien around. Trust me, you’re going to want to use them this Summer.

5. That is just part of the deal – you need to study 8 or more hours per day.

Translation: To be honest, after law school, you shouldn’t have a social life anyway, so what’s another 7 weeks? Think of this Summer as practice for ignoring your children later in life. My kids hate me, so why do you think it would be any different for you?

6. Also, you can’t work – you need a minimum of 7 weeks before the bar of doing only bar prep.

Translation: You don’t have a fucking job. I’ve seen the numbers. No one is hiring. And even if you do have a job, do you think whatever meager wage you would make is gonna get you out of your depressingly dark hole of deathly debt. Yeah, I’m the dean and I’m awesome at alliteration. Word to your Mom.

7. Working instead of total prep is the single largest national factor in failure.

Translation: It’s also the leading home foreclosure prevention method. I could give a fuck if you’re kids need a roof over their head. My school’s rankings are far more important than your piddly little internship that will likely be your only shot at being employed after the bar. Just quit. Starbucks is always hiring.

8. Finally, don’t forget to prepare for the multistate.

Translation: BOO! Did you think I was done? I’m cackling at my computer screen right now. Why? Because I already passed the bar. I’m thinking of going on a 7-week cruise in Fiji this Summer. What are you…oh, right. That sucks.

9. I don’t mean study the essays less – I mean put in more time to do practice multiple choice questions under actual timed conditions.

Translation: Did I say EIGHT hours a day? That was just for half of the test. You’re gonna want to not sleep. Find a reliable coke dealer…or remain friends with the one you already have.

10. The exam is 2 minutes a question – you must practice at that speed.

Translation: Man, that just made me shudder. Can you imagine having so little time to answer complex legal questions? But it’s not a big deal, right? (A) You’re already six figures in the hole; (B) at this point, vodka not only looks like water, but it tastes like it too; and, (C) oh, right, if you fail you’ll perpetuate your unemployment for another six months. No pressure.

11. Do 50 practice questions a day.

Translation: This is going to be you at the end of each day (The girl in the black hoody is the Bar):

 

12. Also a good idea to make sure you are in a multistate prep class or that the course you are taking has significant multi-state practice prep time.

Translation: Scrape together another $3000 for a class, otherwise you’ll fail. You don’t have $3000? That’s cool. You have a great voice and TGI Friday’s is always looking for new birthday singers.

13. Sample questions and answers are also available in the library and on line.

Translation: If you fail, I’ll find you and stab you in the heart. I’ll tell people you failed the Bar because you died while taking it. You do NOT want to fuck with my passage rate.

14. You are well prepared for this and I’m sure you will be successful.

Translation: Probably not, though. EMBRACE THE FEAR!!

15. See you at graduation.

Translation: If you don’t laugh at my speech, I’ll fail you. I have that power. Do you remember who I am? Jesus is my son. Think about that.

16. Celebrate your accomplishments and then remember you will have fun again in August.

Translation: Auschwitz was more pleasant than your July is going to be.

–Mark

 

Everyone Fails Lawschool #6: 3L Ever After

Summary: If you’re a 3L, try less. You’ll be happier and get better grades.

Just wrapped up my last year of law school. It’s been a hard fight, but I came out with only tinges of alcoholism and bouts of weight gain. Note: not dropping out, failing out, or committing suicide=law school success.

For those that don’t know, being a 3L–a third year law student–can be an enjoyable experience, if you plan accordingly. “Planning accordingly” means having as few classes as possible, picking classes that are a guaranteed B+ or above, and having enough time to do as many non-legal things as possible, like blogging daily, writing fiction, partying on weekends, rarely having to read, and…having enough to time to write and film a TV pilot (we’ll get to the last one in a minute). Oh, did I mention I have no finals? <–Planning accordingly 101.

If you are becoming a 3L, I encourage laziness and using your energy to perform scatterbrained activities. Why? (A) Your entire Summer will be spent in a library studying for the bar and (B) this will be every day of your life, once you're employed (from my experience):

1. Wake up at 7am (at the latest);
2. Coffee
3. Work all day, perhaps eating lunch at your desk (Fun!);
4. More coffee
5. Get done with work at around 6pm (on a very good day);
6. Maybe you’ll go to the gym for an hour (or two, if you’re not me);
7. You’ll finally get home about 8pm and have to eat something;
8. You’ll get done with dinner about 9:30PM because your ambitious Stuffed Chicken with Parmesan Risotto was not the “30-minute meal” that bitch Rachel Ray said it was going to be  (note: if you came home later, you microwaved a Lean Cuisine Panini and hated yourself for doing so…especially when you bit in to the cold center);
9. You’ll watch a few episodes of The Office without laughing because your life is eerily similar to each plotline;
10. After, you’ll start dozing off because your spin class/Risotto/God-Awful-Coworker combination inspires a stress induced coma;
11. You’ll go to bed and try to read a novel you wanted to read in law school but never found the time–but will stop quickly because your already-permanently-damaged-from-law-school eyes are burning from document, statute, case, or memo review;
12. Despite being exhausted, you toss and turn for over an hour because you’re dreading something you may have omitted at work that will, if omitted, cause your immediate termination (Don’t worry, the legal job market is SWEET, right now. You’ll get another, right?);
13. Wake up the next morning and repeat…for the rest of your AA-Meeting and Cardiologist-Appointment filled life.

How awesome does that sound? Hopefully your divorce is amicable and your child support payments are low.

Knowing that this is a lawyer’s future, I spent this semester enjoying everything about life that has nothing to do with the law…or as much as I feasibly could without pissing off my professors. Without going in to too much detail, I think it’s safe to say I succeeded. It took almost an entire semester for me to realize that life can be enjoyable–despite repeated attempts from my friend/enemy, Law School, at telling me “Life is all about trying to minimize how much you hate yourself…then you die.”

So, after a semester of legal catharsis, I have come to a few important conclusions:

1. Writing, although enjoyable, would probably be unprofitable (and very selfish) for many years…so I’ll do both law and writing, for now.
2. Six figure debt is not only depressing.
3. Six figure debt with the costs of an impending wedding are terrifying.
4. Six figure debt, an impending wedding, and possibly having to pay for rent in New York City (yes, I’m taking the NY Bar) might require a Zoloft prescription (and don’t forget, drugs aren’t free).
5. My Summer is going to test my sanity (the NY Bar is one of the hardest in the country)
6. Lawyers can be creative people. Whoever says otherwise is an idiot.
7. I actually got better grades when I stopped caring (something to think about)

 

 

My hat goes off to all the graduating law students. Whatever you do with your new “Esquire” status, I hope it doesn’t cause you to give up on other aspirations…and impresses a few people at dinner parties. 3Ls, you may be poor, jaded, and substance dependent, but you at least no longer have any regrets about NOT going to law school (your only regret now is deciding to go to law school).

For all those fledgling 3Ls out there, do yourself a favor: be lazy. You’ll be less stressed, be more rejuvenated to practice…and maybe I’ll get that job you would have got had you kept on trying 🙂

As a 1L and 2L, perhaps you should try a little and feel free to NEVER enjoy yourself. But, as a 3L and in all things after, have fun. I did and I will continue to do so. Okay, and I’ll try a little too, Mom. I’m not a complete hippy.

Example: As a 3L, I wrote and filmed a TV Pilot for a project worth 5% of my grade. I think I spent more time on this video than I did studying for my Contracts final:

http://www.youtube.com/p/E30AA0F68C4AD2F0?hl=en_US&fs=1

 

P.S. Found this searching for “Zoloft”

Geri-Antics: 10 Annoying Old Person Habits

It’s difficult not to walk outside without seeing an old person, especially where I live. Now, first and foremost I want to say that I deeply respect my elders. In fact, I am one of a handful of people that can sit and chat with these wise men and wise ladies for hours. The key is to tell them when they are repeating themselves. They don’t mind. Just do it. You’ll usually get at least one crazy story out of them.

That being said, here are a list of annoying habits that old people have. Few require an explanation.

Being Lost/Dementia

I can’t go a damn day without running into an old person asking me for directions. I don’t know where the hospital is, so leave me alone, old man. So needy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not Bathing

Serious gripe. Grandpa, deodorant has been en vogue since the 1940’s. You smell like my gym socks. And, Grandma, take it easy on the broccoli. We all love you, but you may have just killed your canary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being Eaten By Cats

It’s a terrible tragedy that befalls many old people every year. It’s a plague worse than necrophilia. Okay, maybe it’s not that bad, but the fact that there is even ONE instance goes to show that cats are a tool of Satan…and that old people need to not have felines around when they are on the verge of death.

Blocking Aisles with Their Grocery Carts

Sir, can you please not block the entire aisle while you contemplate the potency of competing fiber supplements? Oh, you can’t hear me? Okay, I’ll just stand here and look like I have a blocked colon. Yep, that cute girl saw me.

 

 

 

 

Referring to a Black Person as “Colored” and Feeling Okay About It

I don’t know how many times I’ve reminded my grandpa not to use this word. He doesn’t understand why it’s offensive. The teller at the bank usually does.

Note: Justice Clarence Thomas (left) probably refers to himself as a “colored” man. Just saying. The dude is weird.

 

 

 
 

 
 

Making Delicious Food that Would Instantly Kill John Madden

Throw in a stick of butter, hamburger and nine eggs. Now, drizzle in some bacon fat, and, hell, lets puts some frosting on it! Don’t forget to deep fry it, Sugar! There you have it: Grandma’s Meatloaf. You’ll probably wanna wash it down with a big carton of whole milk. Hoo-eee, Mark needs a bathroom break. Be back in ten.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aquajob

I swam competitively  for 15 years. If I ever do Aquajog in my life, you have permission to convince me (because I will have dementia in my gold years) that I’m on fire and I need to wade into the deep end with a lead back-pack on. I won’t sue you, considering Anderson v. Ninja Gaiden Santa will probably get thrown out of court.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Giving Grandchildren Nominal Sums of Money for their Birthday

My grandparents were usually pretty good about this, but I’ve heard some horror stories from others that are on par with Aunt Bethany wrapping her cat in National Lampoon’s: Christmas Vacation. Hey, $5 bucks was a lot of money in 1929. So, suck it up and go buy yourself one gallon of gas and maybe some tic tacs (depending on the state).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…and Giving Things of Value to Strangers

“Well, I’m not using it, you take my car, Guy That Bags My Groceries,” Grandma says. “Can you just call me a taxi home? You’re such a dear.” I’m sure that conversation has actually happened somewhere.

Don’t worry, when Nana does get home, she’ll wire some money to a “farmer” in “Nigeria” whose “genocide-facing people” desperately need him to raise money so he can overthrow his newly crowned, devil worshiping king. She’ll tell you about it in a birthday card that cost more than her actual gift: $5. Be sure to call and thank her…then alert the FBI.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not knowing how to drive

If you’re in Arizona, Florida, or any other hot weather state that seniors flock to in their retirement, stay off the sidewalks. Hell, you might want to stay indoors altogether. Not only does our “Greatest Generation” have bad vision and hearing, THEY’RE HEAVILY MEDICATED. If you see an old person on the highway, pull over, call the cops, and watch the slow-moving carnage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. Found this article searching for “woman eaten by cat.” Fantastic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Full article available here.

TV Pilot Idea: The Weight Loss Show

Mark Anderson, Circa 1996

 

After watching two hours of The Biggest Loser: Couples, I have an idea for original programming. No idea where it came from. Get this, it’s real simple:

(1) For eight weeks I get eight overweight friends to show up at my apartment, ever day after work. They will stand in the parking lot, remain in their work clothes, and await instructions from myself.

(2) Once they arrive, I get in my car and forcefully encourage them to start running down the street. I’ll be yelling “constructive” obscenities at them along the way. I’ll have them follow my car in the direction of various stores and businesses along the way. These businesses might look like banks, grocery stores, and home improvement stores.  See, the contestants will be running errands for me…but they’ll be exercising at the same time. It’s a lose-win, not a lose-lose, right? What could be better than than lose-win?

Don’t forget, some of the errands will be pretty extreme.

One of the stranger errands they'll be running

(3) At the end of each week, each contestant will be weighed. The camera will be zooming into each contestant’s face as the weights are tallied. I’ll be crying the entire time, regardless of what happens. The person with the least amount of weight loss will be kicked out…unless they bribe me (then, the 2nd to the last person will get the axed. Sorry, bro. Man’s gotta eat). I want to emphasize how much crying there will be.

James Van Der Beek will become the host on Season Two when I leave to become Executive Producer of "Why to Encourage Eating Disorders in Children."

(4) At the end, the winner will be crowned and that person and I will share a Subway Sandwich dinner. Yes, they have to pay.

My producer discusses a spin-off show with the winner. Producer: "Think of it, you find a job for Mark and that's it. Genius right?"

I’ll be on easy street in no time. This is going to be groundbreaking. Why? (A) There are very few weight-loss shows on TV and (B) NONE of them have contestants crying during the weigh-in. I’m so great. I can’t wait to pitch this to NBC, then Oxygen, then the Style Network, then late-night public access channels, then a private viewing room at Dave and Buster’s.

 

Facebook Etiquette #15: Birthdays

If you have not deciphered from my subtle hint, it’s my birthday today. Yes, just twenty-seven tortured years ago, my mother turned off the A-Team (no joke) to jettison the insomniac that writes these very words. And when I came out, not one person in the whole room–not even my passed out father–wished me a “happy birthday.” Everyone was too busy congratulating everyone else. I WAS TIRED TOO, PEOPLE.

Well, ever since that day, I have held a HUGE grudge against people that are too busy to give me a simple “Congrats on not dying in this past year” or “I’m impressed by the will of your organs” or “Mark, please stop telling people your age in months. You’re not an infant.” You know, simple things like that.

Okay, maybe I don’t actually keep a tally. But let’s just assume I do. The point is, it’s my birthday, and I thought I would pass along some age-old manners that one should be aware of when they see it’s their friends big day on Facebook.

By the way, it’s my big day today, not yours.

Lesson 1: If you see that it’s someone’s birthday, don’t be shy about posting on their wall…especially if that birthday is on April 3rd, 2011.

This is important. Every person, on their birthday, will sit hitting refresh on their Iphone Facebook app until they see a notification that says “[Person from Middle School that you don’t remember friending (AKA P.M.S.)] posted on your wall.” (Remember, this is COMPLETELY hypothetical. I set up push notifications, so I don’t need to hit refresh).

Back to P.M.S.’s post. My response: SWEET. Check it out, Me.  Oh, man, I wonder what they said?

P.M.S: “Happy Birthday.”

Thanks, P.M.S. How hard was that? Not very.

But I’m not content with one post. That’s only 1 of 409. Where are my 408 other notifications. Don’t my friends know that I will unfriend anyone that doesn’t wish me a happy birthday?

The clock is ticking. I’m talking to you. But this isn’t about me. I’m just speaking generally…unless I’m not.

Lesson 2: Be creative in expressing your undying affection for your friend.

While it was nice for P.M.S. to wish me “Happy Birthday,” would it have been so hard to add something more; something a little more personal? He could have said, for example, “Dude, I’m so happy you’re still alive. Whenever I watch Mad Men, I always think Don Draper is you. Yes, I know you’re more attractive. I’m sorry. Also, I don’t know anyone from middle school that thinks you suck. In fact, I sent a letter to your parents that said: ‘Happy Birthday to your son. He doesn’t suck and is attractive.’ I guess that’s it. I know we haven’t seen each other for about 16 years and I have never actually spoken to you, but, wow, you changed my life. Happy Birthday, Jesus 2.0.”

Even better, of course, would be a visual demonstration of your insatiable lust for Mark’s…I mean, any given Friend’s perfection.

Lesson 3: Don’t expect me to respond to your wall post specifically.

Hey, the birthday boy may have conditioned your Facebook friendship on you sharing a “Happy Birthday” wall post, but he’s got too much being awesome to do to respond to all your whiny little messages, like “I miss you so much, Love Mom” and “Happy Birthday and congratulations on your third straight Sexiest Man of the Year Award! Would it be cool if we changed our magazine name from People to Mark Anderson and Everyone Else?” I mean, these are the types of messages I get.  Who has time for that crap? Not me.

It’s MY birthday, not yours. Remember that. You should write a thoughtful, yet exaggerated message about how I donated a kidney to your dog and leave it at that (what I really did was pet the dog once).  All you have to do is pay attention and you will get a mass thank you card in the form of a status message. That’s right, three days later I’ll write a general “Thanks, Everyone, for the Birthday messages. I’m so blessed to have you all.”*  But what I’m really thinking is “Why didn’t anyone send money? What is this, Bosnia?”

*Note: there will undoubtedly be people that will comment on or like this status message. Don’t waste your time. You were already un-friended at 12:01am on April 4th. Have a nice life.

Lesson 4: April 3rd is Eddie Murphy’s Birthday

That’s all you need to know. So just pop in your Blue-Ray copy of The Adventures of Pluto Nash and think of me.

Can I get an amen?

 

P.S. I found this image searching for “Facebook Birthday”

That's me on the right

Forwards from Grandparents

In my family, the emails from the elder generations differ greatly. My grandma (my Mom’s mom) is articulate, artsy, and kooky. To my lovely Grandmother, every day is a stage in need of song, dance, and music (she explains my mom…sort of). Alternatively, my Grandpa (my Dad’s dad) is a nicer version of Archie Bunker–a gruff, blue collared, union loving, Korean War Vet with a keen eye for a dirty joke. As you can see, these two are very different people.

With that said, I thought it’d be worth starting a series that  compared the emails I get from my Grandma B and my Grandpa A.

Let’s see what’s happening with Grandma first:

Tuesday’s Goodnight

My morning was routine and included breakfast, pills, devotion, and an average session of Current Events.

…

I dined with my usual friends at supper tonight and watched the news on a TV where friends share the time together before coming to the apartment and writing this letter.

…

Sleep tight, everyone!

With all my love, B/Mom/GrandmaB/Great-GrandmaB et al…….

Well said, Grandma. Grandpa, what say you?

 

[NO SUBJECT LINE]

Note that there was no message whatsoever. He wants to get you right to the EPIC punchline.

The next email features my dear Grandpa B. Hit it, Grandma!

Wednesday’s Goodnight

Our day was crazy.  Absolutely crazy!

When we were getting ready to leave our apartment for breakfast, Grandpa B told me, “I do not have my keys.”  I returned to his bedroom and searched and searched.  No keys.  I asked, “Where is your wallet?”  That, too, was not to be found.  “Do you remember bringing your wallet and keys back from the park concert?”  “I don’t know.”  Neither of us could remember seeing or putting away Grandpa B’s keys or wallet.

[A detailed discussion of all the other exciting happenings of the day. I think I know from whom I get my affinity for writing. Do you?]

Well, we watched a rerun of the Twins afternoon game and eventually Grandpa B started dressing for going to bed.  “B!”, he called from the bathroom.  “Come here!”  I went in there and, at this moment, did not know whether to laugh or cry?!  THERE, INSIDE HIS SHOES HE HAD WORN ALL DAY WERE THE MISSING PIECES!!!  One shoe had the wallet and one shoe had the keys.  How can that be?  How could he walk around all day with objects like that in his shoes? How could he put his feet into shoes with such pieces?   I did not know whether to laugh or cry!

Well, tomorrow I hope the policeman and Clara in the office can laugh at the tale’s ending!

And I really have little else to say.  May we all sleep tight!

With all my love, B/Mom/GrandmaB

 

Grandma, that was crazy story! Grandpa, what happened in your life?

[NO SUBJECT LINE]

Please insert my loud, mocking laughter, right here. Still going. Still going. Still going. Okay, I’m done.

Okay, at this time I should tell you that my dear grandmother sends out a twice-daily family newsletter. I end up skimming a lot. This woman is eighty and she writes WAY more than I do. Props, Grandma.

What’s going on, Today?

Monday’s Goodnight

[Mark’s Uncle] called tonight and wished me good things for this holiday we celebrate today.  We had a nice chat!

[lengthy email explaining almost every breath of the day]

Holy cow!  I just received a letter from [Mark’s Great Uncle]!  I shall put that on a separate piece of paper from this chatting.

With all my love, B/Mom/GrandmaB/Great-GrandmaB/Friend/Cousin etc

Such a fantastic day. All I did was watch a Jersey Shore marathon and drink cheap rum mojitos. Who felt better in the morning? Grandma, that’s who.

Grandpa, what’s up?

[NO SUBJECT LINE]

It should be noted that I love both of these people. Each has had a great impact on my life and I owe a great deal to each, on many fronts. With that said, this may or may not become a recurring series, because I enjoyed this compare and contrast very much.

That’s all for now. College Party 2 is tomorrow. If you hear about a man being arrested in the Capital Hill neighborhood of DC, assume that I was home sleeping…but keep in the back of your head me staring into a camera and yelling “YOU WON’T TAKE ME WITH CLOTHES ON, COPPERS. HAHAHAHA.” Shortly after, I’ll be tackled by a hoard of baton wielding riot police. The point is, whatever you see, Grandma, it’ wasn’t me, okay? Just keep that in the back of your head. That was all a dream.

Grandpa, virtual high-five. You taught me well.

P.S. I found this image searching for “Grandma.”

RIP, Grandpa B. Love you.

Everyone Fails Law School #5: Let Me Google that for You

This is an actual Gchat conversation I had with a girl I used to TA. Moral: If a classmate or student of yours asks you a question that can be readily answered by Google, you mess with them.

Sorry, Student #1, I had to.

Student #1: hey, do you know what statute CJ stands for?

Mark: Courts and Judicial Proceedings

Student #1: where do u find that?

Mark: i heard it’s on Westlaw

Student #1: where on Westlaw?

Mark: Is that like a Google question or a Mark question?

Student #1: hahaha

Mark: I sent for a search party. HOLD ON!

Click image to enlarge

Student #1: Stop it. I was kidding. No worries. ill be good

Mark: No no, I insist. I just want to help.

Student #1: its all good. Thank you so much though.

Mark: no no no. It’s too much trouble for you. I WANT to help. Does this help? Clink this link

I’m a 3L. I have time. DID YOU FIND IT YET?

Student #1: Yes. Long time ago. Thanks.

Mark: Please make sure

Student #1: Positive. no worries.

Mark: Ok. Because I just put out a few last minute feelers

Click image to enlarge

Student #1: You’re  retarded. Not funny at all.

Mark: Funny? Now who’s not taking this tragedy seriously?

Student #1: ugh. You’re being a pain in the butt

Mark: Like this?

Student #1: you’re mean. Really evil

Mark: it’s a curse really. I have a compulsion to entertain myself

Student #1: It’s sick.

Student #1 Signed Off

How to Take Care of A Drunk Person

Against my better judgment, I stayed in on St. Patty’s day. While doing so I thought I’d see what the internet had to offer in regard to the conduct of drunk people. The results were , overall, pretty mediocre, but one was too hysterical to not comment on.

What follows is an articulate article someone wrote that provides eight, in my opinion, inaccurate steps a person should follow when taking care of a drunk person…and my response. Fitting for the day after a drinking holiday, don’t you think?

The original article can be found here.

Enjoy.

1. Recognize someone who has had one too many.

What they say: Signs that a person has drunk too much include slurred speech, inability to remain standing or sitting up straight, a marked desire to lie down or roll over, questionable walking technique, stumbling, unusual, loud, or embarrassing behavior, violent reactions, bloodshot eyes, feeling extreme temperature differences, etc.

Their actual graphic

What I say: Signs that a person has drank too much include bleeding from the ears, puking on someone in the bar, telling your parents “You are both Satan incarnate”, saying to the officer “why don’t YOU step out of your fucking car”, and exhibiting any mannerisms associated with Gary Busey.

 

My graphic

2. The amount of care your drunk friend or acquaintance will need will depend on how much he or she has had to drink.

What they say: Each individual’s situation will need to be evaluated according to context and circumstances, but the main point is to be prepared to care for them until they’re out of danger.

What I say: Listen, the first person you need to worry about is yourself. After that, the goal is not getting road mapped. Don’t get me wrong, if you go out with your crew you gotta act like marines: don’t leave anyone behind. But if your friend is being a prick and insists on going home with a grenade, leave him. His horror in the morning is enough of a disincentive to ignore you next time.  Unless your friend is walking around with their privates out, you let them deal with the repercussions of their stupidity. It’s their life.

3. Step in to discourage further drinking.

What they say:

(A) Try distracting the intoxicated person from having any more alcohol. Get them away from the alcohol – take them to the front yard for a breath of fresh air, suggest that it’s time to call it a night and phone a taxi, or simply sit with them away from the drinking area and talk. Find somewhere quiet and not too bright.

(B) If they want drinks, take responsibility for delivering drinks that won’t harm them. Try water, or try very watered down versions of their drink. Often you can get away with giving someone who is very drunk soft drinks; simply hand them a coke and claim that it contains vodka. Chances are they won’t even notice.

(C) Avoid saying anything that could provoke or anger the intoxicated person. Remain calm and reassuring at all times.

What I say:

(A) I kind of agree. You don’t want her to pass out. Get the hot chick away from the alcohol–take her out to the front yard so her friends can’t talk her out of going home with you or, if you are at home, simply sit with her in your room with the Howie Day album playing in the background. Definitely find somewhere quiet and not too bright, so she’ll think you look like Christian Bale.

(B) Am I a fucking waiter? If they want drinks, tell them to stop being needy and get it themselves. If I were drunk and someone handed me a glass of coke and told me it had vodka in it, I would (1) say “What the hell kind of drink is Vodka and coke?” and (2) I would throw the drink on them for questioning my tolerance. This isn’t an AA meeting, this is the weekend.

(C) If someone’s being a prick, you gotta tell them what’s up. If it’s a girl, you politely inform them that they are being “a huge bitch right now and that their hair looks like a sparrow’s nest.” If it’s a dude, punch him in the face. That’ll sober him up.

4. Do your best to help the intoxicated person to avoid physical injury, especially through falling.

What they say: Help the person to a safe seat or to the floor. If the intoxicated person begins to heave, try to help them to an appropriate place to vomit. If they are lying on a couch, ensure that they are facing AWAY from the back of the couch so that any vomit does not pool around the person’s face (especially on leather couches).

This was the actual picture and caption they used

What I say: Definitely a good idea to put a person in a safe place. However, if you don’t know them and it’s your house, you have permission to “tuxedo” them. Also, if you have a leather couch, drag their drunk ass into the bathtub. Leather is almost impossible to clean once it is stained.

5. Do not leave someone who is very drunk to fall asleep alone.

What they say: Stay in the room with them – watch a film or TV, read a book, or clean up after the party but keep them in the room with you.

What I say: Make the person promise that they won’t puke. Then, no matter how passed out they are, explain to them that you have put a bucket next to their bed. If possible, force them to swallow two Advil and place a large glass of water next to their bed. You did your part. Go to sleep. You’re wasted too, remember?

6. Check regularly to ensure the intoxicated person responds to being stirred.

What they say: Say their name loudly, ask them firmly to open their eyes, prod them and look for a response. Watch the chest or abdomen for breathing movements. A rate of 12- 20 breaths per minute is normal.

 

Again, the actual image they used. He looks deathly drunk if you ask me.

What I say: If the drunkard is not up by noon the next day, be a sport and check on them. Wake them up and offer to drive them to IHOP. It was an epic night.

Tom?

If, however, they’re dead, you may want to put a roommate listing on Craigslist.

Click on image to enlarge

7. Look for signs of alcohol poisoning.

What they say: If breathing becomes slow (8 breaths per minute or less or irregular with 10 seconds or more between each breath), and they are unresponsive to being prodded and pinched firmly, this suggests alcohol poisoning. Other possible signs include:

• Passed out – unconscious or semi-conscious; cannot be awakened
• Blue lips and fingertips
• Dehydrated
• Rapid pulse
• Vomiting while asleep and not waking up even when vomiting
• Cold clammy hands/ feet.

What I say: Did you just drink a half a bottle or more of hard alcohol in under 10 minutes? Did you drink everclear wop/jungle juice all night? Did you drink an entire 30 pack of Natural Ice? If no, go to sleep and we’ll talk about why you peed on your keyboard in the morning. If yes,  purge. Believe it or not, your body has limits, idiot.

8. If you spot the above signs, call 911 and remain with the intoxicated person until help arrives:

What they say: Keep them warm and continue to monitor breathing. If a qualified first aider is available, call on them for help while waiting for the ambulance.

What I say: I’m not a complete jackass. If your friend is violently puking, their eyes are rolled back in their head, and you feel helpless, get help. No joke.

However, if you think your friend looks parched and is passed out, let them sleep. Don’t be a scared bitch. If I called 911 every time one of my buddies passed out,  my friends would hate me and I would have to notify the post office to deliver my mail to the hospital on weekends. 911 for being passed out? Are you fucking kidding me?

The author(s) then proceeded to dole out a few more final bits of odd advice. I provided a rebuttal to some of the weirder suggestions.

1. The night after the person was really intoxicated, be sure to tell them the danger they put themselves in. Wait until they’re sober and have a heart-to-heart with them about their behavior. You can make it less confrontational by saying something like: “I didn’t much like the friends you brought along the other night, Susie.” Susie will reply: “What friends?” And you can reply: “Your friends. Making Fun of Friends Susie. And I’m Bored Susie. And Undressing Susie. And Rolling on the Ground Susie.” It may seem odd but making the drunk person’s behavior sound like a third person can help them better identify with the types of behaviors other people witnessed.

My Rebuttal: If I were Susie, I’d probably feel a LITTLE patronized, so I’d end up saying something like “You’re just lucky you didn’t see The Spirits in My Head Tell Me to Put Drano in Your OJ Susie. She is the bad one. Those Susie’s that you referenced were just having a good time. It can get MUCH worse. Trust me.” That’s just me talking, though.

2. Don’t put a drunk person into a cold shower. It won’t sober them and it could induce shock.

My Rebuttal: Shock?! You need to lighten up. Besides, imagine how funny it would be when you told Blackout-Drunk Susie she pissed her ENTIRE bed when she came home from the bar. You know she’d believe you. Plus, it’s better punishment than b.s., passive aggressive things like a third-person lecture. Who does that? Have a beer.

3. Never allow someone who is drunk behind the wheel of a car, ever. It’s not only their life but the lives of others too that are at stake.

My Rebuttal: I’ll agree if they intend on OPERATING the car, but imagine the hilarity that would ensue from putting the drunkard behind the wheel of a non-running car just to fuck with them. Consider this, for example:

Hope everyone is doing well after St. Patty’s Day. My entire NCAA bracket is busted. I’ll be going out twice on Saturday, so I’ll be sure to call 911 on myself that night. Be back soon. –Mark

P.S. I searched for “Drunken person sharpee tuxedo” and got this:

I guess he's wearing a suit

Dave and Busters Sextatholon

$3.50 on Wednesdays...the rest all applies

Wednesdays are half price games and drinks at D and B’s “Accompany Your Kids to the Bathroom, Please.” So, how can you efficiently drink and game at the same time? You create a Drinking Sextatholon. 6 Events, one Champion. All parties get buzzed.

You ready, Carl Lewis?

D and B’s Wednesday Sextatholon:

Players: Roughly 8. If different, amend event requirements as necessary. No more complaining. It’s time to play. Get a beer.

Round #1: Horsey Race Mini Tournament

How to: Roll balls into hole to make electronic horsies gallop to the finish. Two groups of two compete in a two tier tourney. Top half from each group advance to final. Top four score points:

Champ: 5 points
2nd:       3 points
3rd:        2 points
4th:        1 points

All others: Buy winner a tall beer/Fuzzy navel

Why you no give me more than ten points points!!

Round #2: “Toddlers Get 80 Points” Tournament

How to: Roll balls into hole to get the allotted points (please tell me you knew that). Players should be seeded in alternative groups according to their placing in the last round (e.g. Group A: 1, 3, 5, 7; Group B: 2, 4, 6, 8). These two groups of two compete in a two tier tournament. Top half of the point leaders from each group advance to final. Top four players score points:

Champ: 5 points
2nd:       3 points
3rd:        2 points
4th:        1 points

All others: buy winner a tall beer/Flaming Dr. Pepper

 

I once saw a man get a score of two at this game

Round #3: Super Shot Arcade Basketball

How to: Four players choose “Classic Game” then try to score the highest points in the group. Players should be seeded in alternative groups according to their placing in the last round (e.g. Group A: 1, 3, 5, 7; Group B: 2, 4, 6, 8). These two groups of two compete in a two tier tournament. Top half from each group advance to final. Top four players score points:

Champ: 5 points
2nd:       3 points
3rd:        2 points
4th:        1 points

All others: buy winner a tall beer/Zima with Jolly Ranchers

 

I already called Junior, you Kyle Busch sissy

Round #4: The  SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT NASCAR 2009 Arcade Tourney

Players race around the track in an attempt to be a bigger red neck than their opponent.* Players should be seeded in alternative groups according to their placing in the last round (e.g. Group A: 1, 3, 5, 7; Group B: 2, 4, 6, 8). These two groups of two compete in a two tier tournament. Top half from each group advance to final. Top four players score points:

Champ: 5 points
2nd:       3 points
3rd:        2 points
4th:        1 points

All others: buy winner a tall beer/Spiced Moonshine

*Because I know you’re gonna ask, Jethro: Manul or Automatic. Does not matter.

Round #5: The “Hey, Let’s Shoot Some Damn Critters” Buck Hunter Challenge

Two player game. You shoot at shit. Players should be seeded in four alternative groups according to their placing in the last round (e.g. Group A: 1 and 8; Group B: 2 and 7; Group C: 3 and 6; Group D: 4 and 5). These four groups of two compete in a three tier tournament (8–>4–>2). Winners from each group advance. There is a 3rd place and championship game. The awards are as follows:

Champ: 5 points and this T-Shirt (maybe)

MAAAA! WHERE'S MY SKOL!!

2nd:       3 points
3rd:        2 points
4th:        1 points

All others: buy winner a tall beer/TNTea

Maybe we'll do nothing but John Mayer

FINAL ROUND: The Journey-less Guitar Hero Jam Fest

The crowd is at their feet.

Two player game. You rock out to a predetermined song.* You get points for doing so. Players should be seeded in four alternative groups according to their placing in the last round (e.g. Group A: 1 and 8; Group B: 2 and 7; Group C: 3 and 6; Group D: 4 and 5). These four groups of two compete in a three tier tournament (8–>4–>2). Winners from each group advance. There is a 3rd place and championship game. The awards are as follows:

Champ: 5 points
2nd:       3 points
3rd:        2 points
4th:        1 points

*no Journey

The Sextatholon has concluded

The points are then tallied and the audience waits nervously (drunkenly) for the results.

That's right, man

 

The oints are tallied AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then….a champion is Crowned.

It might be you.

Awards:

Overall Champion: Tall Beer and some D and B memorabilia from other player’s accumulated tickets
2nd:                               Tall Beer
3rd:                               Small Beer
4th :                              White Wine

All others: Pay

 

Give it a try. I will next week –Mark

P.S. I got this pic searching for “Skee Ball”.

 

Professor Breakdown M. Nent

Sure, on the outside he seems like a pleasant man. But we all know better. Professor Breakdown M. Nent wants you to come to his meetings, but no one ever does. So he has to cancel them. It’s has to take a toll on the guy; professors are serious people…especially when they chair a committee.

Professor Breakdown M. Nent can stand the cancellation emails he is forced to send the first few times. They even come off as polite and apathetic–“Meh, it’s not a big deal.”  But when that fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and even ninth (by my count)  cancellation email limps in to your inbox, we all know what Professor Breakdown M. Nent wrote in his first draft.

For example, here is what came in to my inbox just yesterday:

Dear Law School Community:

The April 27 hearings on curriculum proposals have been canceled because no member of the law school community asked to speak at either of the hearings on any proposal.  The Curriculum Committee will now consider whether to recommend one or more of the proposals (which are described below) to the law faculty at the faculty’s May 3 meeting, which will be the final law faculty meeting of academic year 2009-2010.

Thank you for your attention, and have a safe and pleasant weekend.

Sincerely,

Professor Breakdown M. Nent

Chair, Curriculum Committee

Poor guy. You can almost taste the tears and feel the radiating rage. We all know what he was really thinking:

Dear Future Arson Investigation Headquarters, Burn Unit Inhabitants, and Orphaned Children,

I’ll try to contain myself, but…FUCK! I know you saw the goddamn email about the curriculum meeting. It was sent out TWO MOTHERFUCKING WEEKS AGO! Stop ignoring my emails.

Now, I know, the CLASSES that you take while getting a PROFESSIONAL DEGREE are not important for your future in this JOBLESS MARKET, but could I get one person, ANY PERSON to come to these meetings?!!!! Maybe one of my dull, sexless, suspender-wearing colleagues could grace with me with their presence. Maybe one of my students that is attached to my colon day in and day out. Maybe a homeless person off the GODDAMN STREET! I. don’t. Give. A. Shit. SOMEONE!!

There better be interest in the next curriculum meeting because there won’t be any more cancellations. No person at the meeting=I burn the school down. I can promise you that.

Drown in a vat of your own feces,

Professor Breakdown M. Nent

Chairman, Whether-You-Have-A-Pulse Committee

P.S. If you delete THIS email, I’ll find you and I’ll stab you in the heart. GOT IT?!

Just try to read your emails and go to a curriculum meeting, okay? Professor Breakdown M. Nent is a nice guy. He really means well. If not for me, do it for your children.