At most law schools, a Dean might send out a congratulatory email to graduating 3Ls–third-year law students. Perhaps he or she will say how he or she’s had the privilege of knowing many graduating 3Ls and how “they seem like a driven crowd,” or some shit like that. Well, then you have the Dean at my school: the wheeler-dealer, law-school flipping, paranoia driven, self-donned God of jurisprudence. No cheery messages from that one.
For those that don’t know this, finals are stressful. Fortunately for me, I had one paper to write and I was done (good planning). Of course, for those 3Ls that are not done, they don’t need any additional things to worry about…like being reminded of The Bar–a test that requires grueling, all-day study marathons for 7-Weeks. Did I mention it starts immediately after graduating from a three year curriculum that made most students, on more than one occasion, want to take a bath with their toaster?
It is with all this said, that I wanted to share with you an email that was sent by the Dean of my law school on the first day of finals. I have provided a sentence by sentence translation for this “heart-warmer.” This guy should really be a mortician.
1. I hope all of your exams are going well and I hope you had the scheduling foresight not to have too many of them.
Translation: I have WAY too much to do to write a two word salutation, like “Hello Class.” Also, if you have any exams and you’re a 3L, you are an idiot. Aren’t you employed yet? Ha, who am I talking to? You went to a third tier law school. Forget what I said.
2. I have sent out an email on bar prep every year that I have been here and it seems to have some kind of positive effect.
Translation: I have sent out emails every year to scare people into studying hard for the Bar. I am the soul reason for anyone passing this test. If you ever failed, it’s because you didn’t read my email. You may want consider praying to my picture.
3. I really only want to emphasize a few points.
Translation: Look at me! Look at me! I’m important. Pay attention. Look at this Panda! LOOK.
4. Unfortunately, if you do prep properly, this will not be your most pleasant summer ever.
Translation: Have you ever raised a loaded gun to your temple? I do it every day in lieu of drinking coffee. As for you, I wouldn’t recommend leaving and loaded weapons, long pieces of rope, or excess amounts of Ambien around. Trust me, you’re going to want to use them this Summer.
5. That is just part of the deal – you need to study 8 or more hours per day.
Translation: To be honest, after law school, you shouldn’t have a social life anyway, so what’s another 7 weeks? Think of this Summer as practice for ignoring your children later in life. My kids hate me, so why do you think it would be any different for you?
6. Also, you can’t work – you need a minimum of 7 weeks before the bar of doing only bar prep.
Translation: You don’t have a fucking job. I’ve seen the numbers. No one is hiring. And even if you do have a job, do you think whatever meager wage you would make is gonna get you out of your depressingly dark hole of deathly debt. Yeah, I’m the dean and I’m awesome at alliteration. Word to your Mom.
7. Working instead of total prep is the single largest national factor in failure.
Translation: It’s also the leading home foreclosure prevention method. I could give a fuck if you’re kids need a roof over their head. My school’s rankings are far more important than your piddly little internship that will likely be your only shot at being employed after the bar. Just quit. Starbucks is always hiring.
8. Finally, don’t forget to prepare for the multistate.
Translation: BOO! Did you think I was done? I’m cackling at my computer screen right now. Why? Because I already passed the bar. I’m thinking of going on a 7-week cruise in Fiji this Summer. What are you…oh, right. That sucks.
9. I don’t mean study the essays less – I mean put in more time to do practice multiple choice questions under actual timed conditions.
Translation: Did I say EIGHT hours a day? That was just for half of the test. You’re gonna want to not sleep. Find a reliable coke dealer…or remain friends with the one you already have.
10. The exam is 2 minutes a question – you must practice at that speed.
Translation: Man, that just made me shudder. Can you imagine having so little time to answer complex legal questions? But it’s not a big deal, right? (A) You’re already six figures in the hole; (B) at this point, vodka not only looks like water, but it tastes like it too; and, (C) oh, right, if you fail you’ll perpetuate your unemployment for another six months. No pressure.
11. Do 50 practice questions a day.
Translation: This is going to be you at the end of each day (The girl in the black hoody is the Bar):
12. Also a good idea to make sure you are in a multistate prep class or that the course you are taking has significant multi-state practice prep time.
Translation: Scrape together another $3000 for a class, otherwise you’ll fail. You don’t have $3000? That’s cool. You have a great voice and TGI Friday’s is always looking for new birthday singers.
13. Sample questions and answers are also available in the library and on line.
Translation: If you fail, I’ll find you and stab you in the heart. I’ll tell people you failed the Bar because you died while taking it. You do NOT want to fuck with my passage rate.
14. You are well prepared for this and I’m sure you will be successful.
Translation: Probably not, though. EMBRACE THE FEAR!!
15. See you at graduation.
Translation: If you don’t laugh at my speech, I’ll fail you. I have that power. Do you remember who I am? Jesus is my son. Think about that.
16. Celebrate your accomplishments and then remember you will have fun again in August.
Translation: Auschwitz was more pleasant than your July is going to be.
–Mark
The Bucking Hoarse 