Apparently, the dude from this picture either got fired or stopped working out
Netflix Instant doesn’t offer enough movies…especially movies that cater to my sophisticated tastes. As a result, I often sort through the glossary of mediocrity and am forced to gamble with a projected 3.5 star “meh” of cinema. Sometimes good things happen–like The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia–, but I usually end up feeling like my time would have been better served (cringe) watching Bravo programming.
Well, no more. I’m embracing crap. I’m going to hug a big festering pile of it. Each week I’ll watch the more woeful of the Netflix Instant collection–those receiving a projected 1 star rating or below. You’ll be surprised by what I find–or at least be thankful that I subjected myself to the awfulness, so you didn’t have to. I hope to tell a little history a long the way…because we all know how bad the movie was.
This week, Stan Lee’s Lightspeed, a made for TV Sci-Fi Channel bust. A one star classic. Summary: An anti-Dolph Lundgren special forces dude pisses off his scientist friend who then becomes a lizard through sciency things. Scientist friend/Lizard, dead-set on revenge, injures friend and later causes our protagonist to have radiation poisoning, which causes him to run fast–and even FASTER if he drinks blue Gatorade. Lots of people get their necks broken. Man pushes lizard man out a 2nd story window and saves girlfriend. The movie concludes. I breath a sigh of relief.
To begin, let’s see what the IMDB chatboard had to say about this complicated plot: 1. “This movie sucks.” Okay, not good. 2. “I worked on this movie — AND IT SUCKS!” Reeeeally not good. 3. “Not even “so bad its good”. Crap. Not even laughable? They all read my mind.
I won’t explain any further. I’ll allow a member of the crew to have the final word:
“I worked on this movie and trust me, it’s garbage. The superhero is one of the silliest I have ever seen in his speedskating outfit and ski goggles. When he walked on set in his costume, several of us thought it was like in Spiderman where he shows up in that sweatshirt and ski mask because the real costume wasn’t made yet… But no… the ridiculous costume we saw was the real deal.”
I concur. It was 93 minutes of torture. Oh, and I heard from the latter crew member that many of the people that worked on the movie were never paid. Eesh. Not good.
Red: "Wow, and I thought our show was low budget." Blue: "I liked it." Yellow: "You would." Pink: "I love Twighlight." Black: "Of course the black guys has to stand in back."
But if it’s so bad, how did Stan Lee, the Godfather of superheroes–X-Men, Spiderman, The Hulk, The Fantastic Four–get involved with this movie? Turns out, I don’t know. I couldn’t find anything other than disgust-rants from comic nerds. For all I know, the writer bought a crayon portrait of a blue blob from Stan Lee’s childhood and was inspired to create this movie. Oh. Oh. Or, “Stan Lee” is actually a mechanic from Gary, Indiana that had twenty minutes of spare time to write a script.
So, who directed this worse-than-porn doodoo fest? Don E. FauntLeRoy. Don E. is best known for his glorious work on Terminator 2, Goonies, and Jeepers Creepers. “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!” you say. Oh, sorry. He wasn’t the director. My bad. He was the Camera Operator….2nd Unit. BUT he did direct the family favorite Anaconda 3 with Sir David Hasselhof. Remember that one?
I look like Bonny Blair, Don E.
Apparently, Don E. is quite the artist. As he said, while responding to a fan on IMDB regarding his skills, “I picked up a movie camera in high school and realized I could paint.” Coming from the guy that was the cinematographer for The Stepford Husbands (1996), this is profound. Okay, okay, maybe I’m being mean, but as Don E. says during another impromptu IMDB interview conducted by his cousin “You have to [be] able to take criticism, failure, success, and long periods of time out of work, worrying that you may never get another job.” Well said. From watching Lightspeed, I think he knows what he’s talking about.
Well, that’s enough for now. I’ve made my point: the movie was bad. Don’t worry, fans, I heard Don E. and the studio are trying to make up for their shortcomings by making a sequel: Lightspeed 2: The Crystal Makes Me Run Good. Coming soon.
Coming to a street corner near you
The Bucking Hoarse
Netflix: 1 Star or Less
Apparently, the dude from this picture either got fired or stopped working out
Netflix Instant doesn’t offer enough movies…especially movies that cater to my sophisticated tastes. As a result, I often sort through the glossary of mediocrity and am forced to gamble with a projected 3.5 star “meh” of cinema. Sometimes good things happen–like The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia–, but I usually end up feeling like my time would have been better served (cringe) watching Bravo programming.
Well, no more. I’m embracing crap. I’m going to hug a big festering pile of it. Each week I’ll watch the more woeful of the Netflix Instant collection–those receiving a projected 1 star rating or below. You’ll be surprised by what I find–or at least be thankful that I subjected myself to the awfulness, so you didn’t have to. I hope to tell a little history a long the way…because we all know how bad the movie was.
This week, Stan Lee’s Lightspeed, a made for TV Sci-Fi Channel bust. A one star classic. Summary: An anti-Dolph Lundgren special forces dude pisses off his scientist friend who then becomes a lizard through sciency things. Scientist friend/Lizard, dead-set on revenge, injures friend and later causes our protagonist to have radiation poisoning, which causes him to run fast–and even FASTER if he drinks blue Gatorade. Lots of people get their necks broken. Man pushes lizard man out a 2nd story window and saves girlfriend. The movie concludes. I breath a sigh of relief.
To begin, let’s see what the IMDB chatboard had to say about this complicated plot: 1. “This movie sucks.” Okay, not good. 2. “I worked on this movie — AND IT SUCKS!” Reeeeally not good. 3. “Not even “so bad its good”. Crap. Not even laughable? They all read my mind.
I won’t explain any further. I’ll allow a member of the crew to have the final word:
I concur. It was 93 minutes of torture. Oh, and I heard from the latter crew member that many of the people that worked on the movie were never paid. Eesh. Not good.
Red: "Wow, and I thought our show was low budget." Blue: "I liked it." Yellow: "You would." Pink: "I love Twighlight." Black: "Of course the black guys has to stand in back."
But if it’s so bad, how did Stan Lee, the Godfather of superheroes–X-Men, Spiderman, The Hulk, The Fantastic Four–get involved with this movie? Turns out, I don’t know. I couldn’t find anything other than disgust-rants from comic nerds. For all I know, the writer bought a crayon portrait of a blue blob from Stan Lee’s childhood and was inspired to create this movie. Oh. Oh. Or, “Stan Lee” is actually a mechanic from Gary, Indiana that had twenty minutes of spare time to write a script.
So, who directed this worse-than-porn doodoo fest? Don E. FauntLeRoy. Don E. is best known for his glorious work on Terminator 2, Goonies, and Jeepers Creepers. “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!” you say. Oh, sorry. He wasn’t the director. My bad. He was the Camera Operator….2nd Unit. BUT he did direct the family favorite Anaconda 3 with Sir David Hasselhof. Remember that one?
I look like Bonny Blair, Don E.
Apparently, Don E. is quite the artist. As he said, while responding to a fan on IMDB regarding his skills, “I picked up a movie camera in high school and realized I could paint.” Coming from the guy that was the cinematographer for The Stepford Husbands (1996), this is profound. Okay, okay, maybe I’m being mean, but as Don E. says during another impromptu IMDB interview conducted by his cousin “You have to [be] able to take criticism, failure, success, and long periods of time out of work, worrying that you may never get another job.” Well said. From watching Lightspeed, I think he knows what he’s talking about.
Well, that’s enough for now. I’ve made my point: the movie was bad. Don’t worry, fans, I heard Don E. and the studio are trying to make up for their shortcomings by making a sequel: Lightspeed 2: The Crystal Makes Me Run Good. Coming soon.
Coming to a street corner near you
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