Professor Breakdown M. Nent

Sure, on the outside he seems like a pleasant man. But we all know better. Professor Breakdown M. Nent wants you to come to his meetings, but no one ever does. So he has to cancel them. It’s has to take a toll on the guy; professors are serious people…especially when they chair a committee.

Professor Breakdown M. Nent can stand the cancellation emails he is forced to send the first few times. They even come off as polite and apathetic–“Meh, it’s not a big deal.”  But when that fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and even ninth (by my count)  cancellation email limps in to your inbox, we all know what Professor Breakdown M. Nent wrote in his first draft.

For example, here is what came in to my inbox just yesterday:

Dear Law School Community:

The April 27 hearings on curriculum proposals have been canceled because no member of the law school community asked to speak at either of the hearings on any proposal.  The Curriculum Committee will now consider whether to recommend one or more of the proposals (which are described below) to the law faculty at the faculty’s May 3 meeting, which will be the final law faculty meeting of academic year 2009-2010.

Thank you for your attention, and have a safe and pleasant weekend.

Sincerely,

Professor Breakdown M. Nent

Chair, Curriculum Committee

Poor guy. You can almost taste the tears and feel the radiating rage. We all know what he was really thinking:

Dear Future Arson Investigation Headquarters, Burn Unit Inhabitants, and Orphaned Children,

I’ll try to contain myself, but…FUCK! I know you saw the goddamn email about the curriculum meeting. It was sent out TWO MOTHERFUCKING WEEKS AGO! Stop ignoring my emails.

Now, I know, the CLASSES that you take while getting a PROFESSIONAL DEGREE are not important for your future in this JOBLESS MARKET, but could I get one person, ANY PERSON to come to these meetings?!!!! Maybe one of my dull, sexless, suspender-wearing colleagues could grace with me with their presence. Maybe one of my students that is attached to my colon day in and day out. Maybe a homeless person off the GODDAMN STREET! I. don’t. Give. A. Shit. SOMEONE!!

There better be interest in the next curriculum meeting because there won’t be any more cancellations. No person at the meeting=I burn the school down. I can promise you that.

Drown in a vat of your own feces,

Professor Breakdown M. Nent

Chairman, Whether-You-Have-A-Pulse Committee

P.S. If you delete THIS email, I’ll find you and I’ll stab you in the heart. GOT IT?!

Just try to read your emails and go to a curriculum meeting, okay? Professor Breakdown M. Nent is a nice guy. He really means well. If not for me, do it for your children.